Modern parenting is so stressful that the US has issued a health advisory. Parents say it’s time | CBC News

Parenting these days can often feel like treading water, asking someone to throw you a rope. But instead of kicking you out, a passerby gives you a high-five and says, “I don’t know how you do it all!”

What is the answer? Well, according to most parents. Apparently, the stress is intense.

On Wednesday, the US surgeon general issued public health advice on the impact of modern stressors on parents’ mental health. Given that the surgeon general’s recommendations include the dangers of gun violence, and smoking, the public is paying attention.

In addition to the usual challenges of parenting — like protecting children from harm and worrying about finances — there are new pressures that previous generations didn’t have to think about, said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy.

These include social media, the youth mental health crisis, and increasing financial pressure as the cost of other needs, such as child care, increases, he said. like that.

“Guilt and shame are rampant, often leading them to hide their problems, creating a vicious cycle where stress leads to guilt which leads to more stress,” Murthy said in his report. .

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In his advice, Murthy also cited data from a 2023 survey from the American Psychological Association (APA) that surveyed 3,185 US adults about post-pandemic depression.

After polling people with children under the age of 18, the APA reported that 48 percent of parents and caregivers described themselves as completely overwhelmed. Only 26 percent of non-parents – that is, respondents over the age of 18 who did not have children – said so.

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A separate breakdown of parents also found that 41 per cent said that most days they were “too stressed to function” – double the number reported by non-parents – while 42 per cent they say they were so overwhelmed with emotions that they felt exhausted.

Numb is a good word for it, said Rebecca Morin, 34, a childcare provider and mother who lives in Smiths Falls, Ont. Morin has two children, a four-year-old and a six-year-old. One has autism, and Morin says advocating for him is a full-time job on top of the daily stresses of parenting, living expenses and work.

“There’s always something to do for the kids. School fundraiser, dance fundraiser, Scouts events, family engagements and so much more. Having fun is a thing of the past,” Morin told CBC News. “I even struggled to take a bath one day because I was so tired.

“We are a generation of overburdened parents.”

Cultural comparison

One of the unique challenges of parenting today is what the US surgeon general calls “our culture of comparison,” promoted by influencers and online trends that create unrealistic expectations that parents can pursue them.

Parents are bombarded with fancy school lunch ideas, general cycle hacks, videos about back-to-school parties and influencers who bake their own goldfish crackers.

“That’s poison. It’s pure poison. Comparing yourself to anyone, whether you’re a parent or you have kids, it’s poison,” said Julie Romanowski, a Vancouver-based parenting coach and consultant.

“Social media doesn’t help that. It’s ruined the mental health of a lot of parents.”

Studies have linked comparing your parenting to what you see on social media with higher rates of maternal stress, higher cortisol levels and increased jealousy and anxiety in mothers. in particular.

But it’s hard not to compare, said Meenakshi Sharma-Vadnais, 35, of Ottawa.

Sharma-Vadnais, a mother of three, says that this generation of parents is overloaded with information available on the Internet. She jokes that as a parenting influencer and blogger, she’s part of the problem.

But while she tries to focus on her family, and rejects the idea of ​​”passing judgment,” she says the pressures of parenting are always there. Even now, just months into her maternity leave from her job with the federal government, Sharma-Vadnais says she worries about returning to office a year from now.

“Since the outbreak I think it’s been one thing after another and I don’t feel like we’re being supported or given any support or resources,” he told CBC News.

“Just sitting, like ‘go, go, go.’

Has parenthood really gotten any harder?

Many of the long-term challenges of parenting – keeping your children safe, meeting their needs, division of labor, and time – are not just from this generation, experts note including the general practitioner.

But several studies in recent years have identified some new pressures. For example, there are more women working full-time, but women continue to do a greater share of unpaid family work, including housework and childcare.

At the same time, according to Pew Research, parents are spending more time with their children each day than previous generations.

The Economist read in 2017 that parents spend twice as much time with their children as parents did in the 1960s.

Society has not been successful in supporting early childhood education, said Lisa Strohschein, a sociology professor at the University of Alberta and editor-in-chief of the journal Canadian Studies in Population.

This is true whether you consider the number of places where children (or their noise) are not welcome, or whether you look more broadly at the fact that the school day is shorter than a normal day. of work, Strohschein told CBC News.

That said, he questions the statistics cited in the surgeon general’s report that 70 percent of parents say parenting is more difficult now than it was 20 years ago.

There is no clear data to support that, Strohschein added.

“Of course, parents will say it’s more difficult today.”

Another issue may be to make plans, he said, where we believe that the success of our children depends on how we raise them, and the fact that there is a way One (the best) of parenting each child.

“Now it’s creating these mental health crises where people feel like they’re not doing enough, or they’re not succeeding, or they’re at risk of failing and it seems like a way to solve problems,” Strohschein said. .

‘I don’t want to stay’

Romanowski believes the advice is long overdue — and a bit sweet.

“It was time, that’s what I thought. We could have talked about this 20 years ago,” Romanowski told the CBC. “It’s almost too late for his recommendations to come out right.”

Fidelia Cabrera, a mother of four who lives in Ottawa, says she thinks part of the stress is how busy parents are. There’s not enough time, everything is always in a hurry, and you feel like you’re never doing things right, he told the CBC when he left a meeting at his child’s school.

“You want to make a lot of sacrifices, but at the same time, where are your moments?” he said.

Romanowski’s working parents generally have one or two normal children, good jobs, spouses and co-parents, nice homes in nice neighborhoods and still feel like they can’t , he said.

“Physically they look good. On paper, they look great. But the day-to-day reality, day-to-day living with the kids … they’re still hanging on.”